…At least where I come in it isn’t. My whole life it has seemed I am nothing more than a victim of circumstance. And I hate hearing myself say this as I type this. Cause in my head it sounds like nothing more than complaints and excuses as to why my life is in dire need of change.
When I was young, I thought the normal thing was to meet a man, fall in love, have a family, you know all that crap Hollywood tries to sell ya everyday. Well I met a man alright. And he was emotionally abusive. But would I leave? No. I had to be stubborn and make it work. After all, I didn’t want to be a quitter. We had a daughter, who I love with every fiber of my being, but she drives me bonkers sometimes! When our daughter (and I use the word “our” lightly) was only 7 weeks old my ex shakes her to the point of giving her a skull fracture and bleeding on the brain. That was my wake up call! By the time I figured something was wrong the next day I rushed her to the hospital. From there my daughter and I moved in with my grandmother.
Flash forward a year and a half later to when I thought things were going well. My mom and I got a town house together, I had a good job at a local factory, and my daughter’s health was outstanding. Little did I know my mental health was slowly slipping away from me til one day I had a “Nervous Breakdown”. Since then, for the past 5 to 6 years, I lost my job, and me, my mom, and daughter now live in a run down two bedroom trailer. I’m fighting for my Social Security Disability cause the depression and the depression medicine combined caused me to gain weight cause I just didn’t care anymore. And with the added weight, came worsening arthritis pain. Now I have the pain in my back.
So now here it is 2010 and I no longer let depression control me. Now I’m wanting to move forward, make something for my daughter and I. A real future, not this barely getting by stuff. Well actually we’re not even doing that if ya know what I mean.
Here come the excuses, the victim of circumstance, some circumstances I caused I must admit. I lost my liscense because I didn’t have the money to pay a $400 fine for not having insurance on the car when I was pulled over for a “loud muffler”. I started back to school and half way through the semester our car broke down. We don’t live on a bus route so I was stranded with no way to classes. Oh and did I mention I don’t really have any friends where I live to help me out. Anyway, so with my depressed state of mind I fell into a dark abyss of “why bother” and gave up. My GPA dropped below 2.0 and I was put on Academic Suspension for financial aid. What does that mean? It means I either have to try and get the suspension lifted or I have to pay for one semester out of my own pocket and hope that I raise my GPA so the suspension will be lifted.
All I know is I have to do something. Living this way and not doing anything about it is driving me crazy. Is it wrong to want something more of life. It’s not like I want to change my life, just simply enhance it.
